This week has been quite a challenging one for the children. Both, in fact all three, have been confronted with some serious life lessons which they have had to learn how to accept and deal with. As a parent, while it can be easy to let your emotions take over and control your actions and reactions, what is most important is that you take a step back and look at the situation from a different perspective.
A note in Shahni's diary this week requesting that I speak to her about 'who is telling lies' initially left me feeling both dumbfounded and cross, I know she is no angel, but lying ... really? When I sat her down to talk about it she started crying and refused to tell me what had happened. I realised that while she has learned the basic rules of social expectations, i.e. basic manners and respect, a situation like the consequences of lying has never really presented itself before. She knew that lying was wrong, but she didn't fully comprehend the consequences of it. Until now!
I decided then that getting angry with her was going to be counter-productive to the lesson that I really wanted her to take from this situation. I could see that she was sorry and really quite embarrassed about the whole situation, which was comforting because hopefully it means that she will think twice about doing it again! We had a long chat about why lying is wrong and we spoke about her classroom punishment and why that was both necessary and appropriate at the time.
At the end of the conversation I told Shahni that I wanted her to write a note to her teacher to apologise. She was very good about it and I let her decide what she wanted to say. This is what she came up with: 'To Mrs Atkinson, I am sorry. I won't tell a lie again. From Shahni'. She wrote it out and we carried on with our day. I didn't shout, I didn't send her to bed early, and I didn't punish her. Instead, I made sure she understood what had happened and then I showed her how to own up and take responsibility for her actions.
The next morning, I explained that we were going to visit her teacher before school so that she could apologise face-to-face and deliver her note in person, rather than letting the teacher discover it in her bag. I didn't want her to feel embarrassed in front of the whole class or to make a big deal out it, but I wanted her to know that the right thing to do is to stand up, be brave and admit when you have made a mistake, after all we all do. I was extremely proud of her when she walked in and handed the note to her teacher, looked her straight in the eyes and said quite clearly that she was very sorry for telling a lie.
I think her teacher just about fell over! She was very surprised and really pleased to see that Shahni had made a real effort. She thanked Shahni and then commented on how lovely her handwriting was and how she must have spent a long time writing it out. I think Shahni actually walked out of that classroom feeling good about herself. How different this experience could have been for her if I had of let my initial reactions take over. Hopefully now, we won't ever have to talk about lying again.
Tristan also experienced an 'incident' (that's what he called it) this week. A lunch time soccer game left him feeling hurt and rejected as his classmates and friends teased him and called him 'pathetic'. It just about broke my heart when he came home crying about it. This kind of thing is something that really gets me mad, not just because he is my son, but because of the impact that it can have on your self-esteem. Having been subjected to this kind of thing myself at primary school I know exactly how much damage it can do. It is something that can take a hell of a long time to recover from, if ever.
I once read an article about a teacher who was teaching her students about what bullying can do to a person. She gave them all a plain piece of paper. New, pristine and with no creases in it. Then she asked them all to screw it up, put it on the floor and jump up and down on it. Then she got them to unfold the pieces of paper and hold them up for all to see. She explained that the their treatment of that piece of paper was exactly like bullying. That even though they had stopped mistreating it, it would never be the same again, there would always be creases and holes and marks on it as a result of their actions and that bullying has the same effect on a person. Just because you grow up and move on with your life, doesn't mean that the effects of bullying are gone. That person will never be the same again, just like the piece of paper will never be clean, flat and new again. Just something to think about.
Back to Tristan ... I really didn't know what I could do to help him. After a bit of a chat it was revealed that what had upset him the most was how a boy who he thought was his good friend, could say stuff like that about him. I decided to phone the boys mum because if it were the other way around, I'd want to know. So I phoned and explained what Tristan had told me. She was horrified (a little like the lying incident actually) and promised that she would call me back once she had spoken to the boys involved.
In the meantime I spoke to Tristan about it, I explained that unfortunately not everyone is nice and next year when he starts secondary school he will probably come across this a lot more. I really didn't have any strategies for him to deal with it and it is hard to know how much to get involved. At the end of the day, this kind of thing has to be dealt with by the child and all you can do as a parent is support your children and let them know that you are always there for them if they need you. I made a point of telling him that I was pleased that he told me, and that he could always come to me even though I may not always be able to 'do' anything to help him. Finally, I told him that you can't be good at everything, and really soccer is a rubbish game anyway and not worth getting upset about!
It turns out that the boy didn't realise he had hurt Tristan's feelings and was himself very upset that Tristan might not want to be his friend any more. His mum said that she had spoken to him and they had their own chat about the consequences of actions. Tristan was invited over for a sleep-over so that the boy could apologise in person and so that they could 'sort it out'. So all is forgiven and the boys have moved on. Excellent result I think and very mature of the other boy to want to apologise in person and not over the phone.
Again, I could have gotten angry and told Tristan that he should not be that boy's friend anymore but that really wouldn't have helped the situation or have made Tristan feel any better about it. It just makes you stop and think how much of an impact our reactions and actions have on our children. The way we deal with situations and the process we go through to solve a problem can have a lasting effect on our children whether we recognise it or not.
And Caillan, well he learned that drawing in books and on our walls gets him a time out on the stairs or in his room!
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